Salt Lake City, UT – Residents in Salt Lake City have joined the rest of the country in the creepy-doll debate. Tempers flare as people on both sides of the issue state their opinions about the proposed bans.
Some, like resident Joe Flamers, say there should be a ban on all creepy dolls. “Why do we need creepy-looking dolls in our houses, scaring both grownups and children alike (but mostly grownups)? Why not just ban them all? The world would be a safer and less scary place. I personally have no creepy dolls in my home.”
Others, like resident Suzie Saunders, believe there should just be a ban on the creepiest-looking dolls. “It seems like a pretty reasonable request to me,” Suzie explains, “Just get rid of the worst ones—the ones that remind us all of those possessed-doll horror movies. Why would we need those kinds of dolls in our houses anyway?”
And some, like Utah-native Steve Meld, argue that the government should leave all creepy dolls alone. “That durned government needs to keep its sticky fingers out of my creepy-doll collection. ” Steve raged as he gesticulated violently toward the two rooms in his house overflowing with dolls. (News photographers tried to go in and get some photos but were overcome with bad horror-movie flashbacks and had to leave.) “It’s my basic constitutional right to have as many creepy dolls as I want,” Steve stated. When asked about the continued scares around the country caused by creepy dolls, Steve proposed, “We all just need to carry around more creepy dolls. The dolls will um … negate each other if they come into contact, so that’ll … mmm, you know. Er, take care of it. Anyway, want to see the 1/2-lifesize MaryAnne Jane doll I just got? She’s a beat. 32-denier machine-grade first-rate stuffing, and she can wear 20 accessories at once.”
The NCDA (National Creepy-Doll Association) came out with “I’ll give you my creepy-looking doll when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” banners, T-shirts, and signs downtown to voice their opinions, while people against creepy dolls just countered with large photos of really creepy-looking dolls. In the end, both sides went home a little sickened and slightly scared.