byu housing

Brigham Young University recently made a surprising update to its Honor Code Residential Living Standards: members of the opposite sex will now be allowed in a student-housing resident’s bedroom—but on one condition. The differently gendered houseguest must be restrained to the occupant’s bed to prevent temptation from leading to necking, heavy petting, fondling, or other biological urges.

“At first I was worried about what the new allowance might lead to,” says Becky Bergman, a BYU freshman majoring in Dance. “Letting boys into our bedrooms seemed like a metaphor or something, kind of like we’d be opening a door in our hearts and minds for Satan to enter. But then I learned that the Honor Code officers would be supplying each building with leather straps that we can use to tie boys to our beds. That seems like it will prevent promiscuous behavior even better than the old policy. Why not do it in the rest of the rooms?”byu bedroom

After feedback from several students, the Honor Code Office has agreed to provide each building with ball gags as well. “I had a guy from my Spanish 3 class over to practice our dialog for the next day,” says a Political Science undergrad who prefers to remain anonymous. “My roommates were being kind of loud, so we went into my room. I strapped him to the bed, and we started working on our dialog, but then he started saying things in Spanish that made me feel uncomfortable. So I stuffed some pantyhose into his mouth. When I took them out, he agreed to tell his bishop about the incident, and we were able to laugh it off. No harm, no foul.”

BYU has no plans to change its policy on allowing members of the opposite gender into residents’ bathrooms, however. Guests will have to continue using the public bathrooms in the hallways and lobbies.