Republican and Democrat leaders met behind closed doors in the late evening hours yesterday emerging with a middle-of-the road plan to quickly end the shutdown by appointing one American citizen as a permanent blame receptacle for anything that goes wrong on the national stage. Budgetary shortfalls, mass shootings, salmonella outbreaks, and the George Bush presidency will all be officially blamed on the freshly appointed A’shadieeyah Lopez-Goldsmith.

Lopez-Goldsmith is the lesbian daughter of a Mexican immigrant mother and a Libyan Black Hebrew father and will be sworn in as the country’s official Scapegoat this week allowing all blame for the current government shutdown to be placed at her feet and Congress to get back to the work of running our nation. Following her four-year term, Lopez-Goldsmith will be drowned in the Potomac so the blame she carries can flow into the sea and away from the blameless hands of the politicians who lead our perfect country.